Drinking Deeply

Wednesday, June 08, 2005 at 7:38 PM

Reflections and Rejoicings

Finally made it through the school year. To be honest, I'm feeling a little caught up emotionally. It's like sad because I know there are so many seniors I have been good friends with that won't be around. It's so different living in a community where I know I can just reach out and there are people there who are willing to pray with me, talk with me, sing with me. Becoming a Christian just before I went off to college made it really difficult to get that back home.

I find myself thinking a lot about the past year. So many regrets over the might haves and the could haves. And no, I'm not talking about dating. Sometimes I feel like as a frosh liason I could have done a lot more. I just basically got lazy. I wish I could have talked to those freshmen a little more. Then maybe they might have joined FiCS instead of . I wish I got to know those people better. They seem so interesting and so funny, but they never really came out to large group and I never bothered to visit even though I was around all the time. I wish I had a chance to sit down and talk with _____ and just... I don't know. I feel like she wouldn't be where she is if I bothered a little more, if I cared a little more, if I...

I wish I could have talked with my roommate one last time. I never did get a chance to share the gospel of grace, of peace, of forgiveness. Instead I left him with the impression that I hated him, hated his religion, hated his life. To an extent I think that's true. At the core we were too different to not get into arguements, but I was, and am, just so immature, always thinking I know so much more, when in truth... I'm just as ignorant, just as stupid, just as blinded as he was. But man, I really wish my poor witness wouldn't get in the way of God's Word. Thankfully His Word never returns to Him empty. Way to go God!

I guess through it all though, the cry that God is soveign keeps me going. I remember going through a major guilt trip earlier this year. I saw so little good in me, and so much wretchedness. Looking back at the year it's still true, but somehow, for some reason, God decided to redeem the bad and lend the truth to the statement: When we are weak, then He is strong. I know that God promises so much for those who persevere, and it's not us that do it but God does, because He loves His sheep and will keep them close. I know that God will work all things for His ultimate glory, and if that involves my sin then I can praise Him for what he is bringing about in me.

I'm so glad I'm surrounded by friends, close friends who are willing to call me out on things, comfort me when I'm struggling, provide that shoulder to cry on. I don't deserve their love, for often times I repay it with spite, arrogance, insults and sarcasm, but yet their continual demonstration of God's love just blows me away.


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