Drinking Deeply

Saturday, February 26, 2005 at 12:09 AM

Less of me and more of You.

It's been a week of ups and downs.

I don't know what is going on. I can talk to someone and feel better afterwards, trusting in a God that continues to work for His people... but then someone would ask if I was ok and I'd start sharing and.... *boom* it washes over me again, a complete feeling of despair and overwhelmness.

Just on Sunday (the day after my last post) I went through ok. I went to Sunday and worshipped and felt like it was real. I felt like I could honestly come to God's house and offer up my days, my struggles, my troubles and He would help me out, He would provide a way out. Got some work done, prayed a bit, read a bit... then someone asked how my weekend went.

I started sharing a bit. That weekend was noticeably difficult but I was doing ok...then I realized I wasn't doing ok... that I was still desperately in need of Christ and not seeing it.

I looked into myself and saw such a blackened heart and blood covered hands that I was sick of it. My pride swallowed up everything and it was so much of a part of me. I made myself sick. My heart was so hard and I couldn't see God. I didn't know why. Too focused on my own sin and suffering and not seeing enough of God's grace and mercy I know... gah.

I don't know what's going on, it comes and goes. I spent all of Monday night talking with David, really needed that. He really reassured me and just walked with me for like hours. I don't know. I needed, I need help. I spent Tuesday with P. Ting and got to talk with him a bit. They both just sat and listened to me and reassured me. It helped a bit... I don't know it comes and goes.

On the plus side on of the freshmen reached out, of which I was really encouraged by.

I wish FiCS was run differently, sometimes it feels like there's too much on too little. But who can do it? We desperately need God to raise up more leaders. I wish we prayed more. I wish so much... I guess just another example of how much I, as well as we, need to grow. =/

Today it was the same, I felt fine most of the day but then large group came and I was like... *boom* and it washed over again. Spent the whole time praying and hoping and needing...=/ gah I hate looking like this. I'm horrible at hiding my emotions, everyone is just like "what's wrong? Are you ok?" and it's obvious that I'm not... but I don't want to drag people down with me. I don't want my feelings of helplessness to mess up other people. I feel like sometimes all I do is drag people down.

But we don't struggle alone. That's what I keep telling myself. That's what I keep telling other people. Reach out and grab someone. Reach out and cry for help. God walks with us, God walks with me. God is Emmanuel. Ask and you shall receive. The burden is not on my back. The burden is not on our backs. God will provide. Grace is sufficient.

Just up and down up and down. Needing God, needing less of me and more of You.


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Blogger Annie said...

My pastor's sermon this past Sunday was on this topic - How to get less of me so God can have more of you. He preached from Luke 4 on Jesus' 40 days in the desert. Sometimes, we just need to go off by ourselves to get close to God. Every time Jesus spent time with the crowds - he went. I have to believe that even he needed refueling. God bless you.  


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