Drinking Deeply

Sunday, February 20, 2005 at 4:00 PM

In Remembrance Of Hope

Everytime something happens that puts me under pressure, everytime something changes that I'm not ready for, I lose 5 years of maturity. I start getting spiteful, angry, distraught, impatient, emotional. It's all there.

I hate it. I really do. Instead of turning to the people that love me, to the God that loves me, I turn away, turn my back and run. I hide behind a shield of arrogance, a shield of a 5 year-old kid crying out "It's all your fault." I wish someone could catch me on tape and show it to me to really show me how immature I really am acting. All I have are flickers of memory and a deep sense of regret. Gah. I suck.

But I guess through it all God works for His ultimate glory. I wanted to help bake on Friday. I sorta did, but my bad mood just kinda leaked through and the shields went up. I just played ping pong, running around and acting like I did all of last year. I guess I helped a little but the heart was never quite there. I think I can't cover it very well. The first thing Jelly said to me when she saw me: "Are you in a bad mood today?"

I wanted to help bake on Saturday too, but I just ended up walking for like an hour through the rain (I guess I wanted my depression to show or something) and then I moped. I really just sat there and thought depressing thoughts and moped. Wow I am a such a pity-whore. Everyone noticed. I don't even know why I went. I didn't even help!

Well I guess I do know. I went solely for the reason that God wanted to manifest His glory in me. After a while of moping and sitting there and yadda yaddaing I ended up asking T for a sandwich because I was hungry and wanted more people to see what a sorry state I was in that I hadn't even eaten. He asked me if I was ok and I just... broke down. I guess I had a good cry... considering I used up like 20 sheets of his roll of towels. I dunno, he really didn't say anything that I hadn't already been trying to tell myself the entire week. He didn't say anything significant, reiterating a lot of things that I could say but didn't feel.

But there was something more about it. There was a fulfillment of a promise (of several promises in fact) that came along with it.

For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them. -Matthew 18:20

do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. - James 5:16

~~~~

I wish it solved my problems. I wish it did a lot more. I guess it wasn't my lot to have it that way, but at least I can still look up see the hope ahead. I'll take that, and in fact, that's all I need.

Psalm 51

Create in Me a Clean Heart, O God
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet went to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.

1Have mercy on me,[a] O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!

3For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

7Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
9Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
10Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right[b] spirit within me. 11Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. 12Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.

13Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.
14Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
15O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

8Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
build up the walls of Jerusalem;
19then will you delight in right sacrifices,
in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

~~~~

Eden is hebrew for pleasure. Used only once outside of the "Garden of Eden" reference when Sara laughs and says "After I am worn out, and my lord is old, shall I have pleasure?"

For us who call upon Him, the answer even after we are worn, old, tired, weary, the answer even after all the trials and sufferings and the whips and lashes, the scorn, the disappointments, the unfulfilled expectations, the answer is "yes" - from P. Ting today's reflection

There always seem to be words that cut. Meet Grace.


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