Drinking Deeply

Friday, February 11, 2005 at 2:08 AM

...but the flesh is weak

Gen 44: What's with Joseph? Why does he decide to play all these tricks on his brothers? I don't understand why it seems like he's playing a practical joke. On the plus side Judah offers to stay behind in lieu of Benjamin. Would I be willing to do something like that for my family? I wonder.

My brother has a 6 hour layover in SFO on Monday. Maybe I can convince someone to let me borrow their car so I can stop by and spend some time with him. I wonder how he's doing... I wish I could reach out better to my family. My relationship with them was never on that deep of a level, and it was only once I stopped competing with my brother for the car that he was willing to open up a little to me. ::sigh:: so much lost time... It's worse because I see him following exactly in my mistakes that I committed senior year. Dating to the exclusion of everyone and thing else, ignoring family for sake of my time, wrapped up in enjoying my last times at home to the expense of everyone else's time while denying that the family is still the (almost) strongest tie and support network I may have in the future.

I got a letter from my mom today along with a package of nian gao (Chinese treats for New Years). "...I think I have better faith now. I negociated [sic] with God that I will do the best I can everyday, he is going to take care of the rest..."

::sigh:: Part of me is so encouraged by the fact that she's pursing a relationship with God, but most of me is terrified because she sees it as a means to her joy and her happiness and her purpose, and whatever gets her that, be it "God", "Jesus", Abraham Hicks or whatever, will suit her fine... ::sigh:: I read an article yesterday by Greg Johnson, "Barbie Religion" and I feel like that's what she's fallen into, that's what she teaches her kids, and that's what I, as well as my siblings learned... and that's completely wrong. ::gah:: but all I can do is pray.

Mark 14:10-11 ) How did Judas betray Jesus? Didn't the chief priests know where Jesus was (the crowds, general recognition, the like). What did Judas have that they couldn't get? Perhaps an inside look on where Jesus was going to be I guess.

All too often I feel so akin to Peter. Quick to open my mouth and deny things that I will be doing, quick to fall asleep and to be inconsiderate of what others are going through, quick to make promises I can't keep, quick to have such a big picture of myself that I trust in me.
V. 37-38 "Simon, are you asleep? Could you not watch one hour? Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak."
My flesh is weak, so very weak. I struggle with some really stupid things. Contentment, singleness, family, being a good steward, things that to me... I shouldn't be struggling with. Why can't I be burdened with not serving the poor enough, not taking care of the hungry, not reaching out to people? But all my struggles are focused on me... ::sigh:: I wonder what Paul's thorn was.
68) "But he denied it, saying, "I neither know nor understand what you mean." And he went out into the gateway and the rooster crowed.
Hanging on to Romans 8:18 ) For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

Even if I fail my classes, even if I never get a date, even if my family is broken, even if...

...not worth comparing.


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Blogger cwu said...

man, how many times have a felt like that? well...everyday!

Judas was what people back then called a "zealot." He thought Jesus was going to bring some miraculous thing, and free Israel from the hands of the Romans, but that's what Jesus came to do, and Judas never really understood that i suppose. i think he did this betrayal to see what Jesus would do when he's arrested in hopes that He would take care of the Romans (and get some cash at the same time).

dont' be so hard on yourself. i struggle with the same things. you're always going to struggle with something that seems so small and easy to deal with. you're never alone in your struggles, bud. there's always someone else suffering with the same thing you're suffering with.  


Blogger cwu said...

"but that's what Jesus came to do"
i meant NOT...came NOT to do...

oh dear...  


Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey twin -- dude, family is such a mess. i was in tears today after talking to my mom on the phone. still praying for you. we have a lot to be praying for!! i praise God for Him creating a brother like you, man.  


Blogger Eric said...

Hey Mickey--

Just a heads up to let you know, I'm here for you if you ever need anything.  


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